It feels like cracking ice that’s been electrified shooting into my body firing off, spreading and crackling through the left side of my chest. Sometimes it’s a hot ball of air in the middle of my chest and stomach that I cannot seem to pass with deep inhaling and exhaling. The electrified ice cracking sensation coursing through and around my heart as my nerves ignite, is the worst feeling. Then there’s the unintentional way that I stop breathing, and thankfully so far, I remind myself to take in air as my head feels like it’s about to explode. Sometimes, my view begins to close in as if I’m looking into a tunnel. This is what my anxiety or panic attacks are like. I’m not even sure what or if there is a difference anymore between the two.
Today, I gave in and am letting myself cry…even if it feels like I’m never going to stop.
See, I am the embodiment of the myth of the strong black woman. I’ve written about it before in a few poems and entries (Diary: Fact, Fiction, Fantasy). My persona is composed, capable, and constant but my inside feels like I’m held together by cotton candy. Which is probably why I don’t let myself cry for fear of melting away and losing the ability to stand up or stand in for others.
I don’t know, I guess it seems that maybe that’s exactly what I need. I think it’s time to allow myself to fall apart for once. Maybe I need to roll around on the floor and just have a full-blown tantrum as if I were two. But then I’m going to need someone to hug me until I fall asleep and let me take a nap. Gosh, I miss the days of scheduled naps.
Y’all, it’s just been tew much (Baltimore accent for those not in the know). Crazy thing is my life is good. I’ve got myself together. I know I’m blessed, but sometimes I feel like a vessel weighed down by an anchor made of others’ problems. I wonder if I let enough tears fall, will my vessel rise so much that when the anchor drops it can never reach the bottom holding me hostage and preventing me from sailing onward in my own journey?
Alas, that won’t work. I’m already drying my tears after blowing my nose for the last time and telling myself to pull it together. Besides, I’m just going to give myself a headache if I keep this up. No one wants a headache and swollen red eyes going out to face the world. Anyways y’all, check on your strong friends. We are not okay (but will be).
Love it