Close to the Edge

Hey SoSheLites!

Lawdhavemercy, this past year has been a doozy! I have gone through some serious mental obstacles. I swear it’s been a challenge trying to navigate through a range of feelings such as: fear, depression, isolation, anger, despair, grief, malaise, and manic bursts of energy spent working on projects to stay busy and offer a distraction from the state of the world. I have been trying to maintain a sense of normalcy for my family when the world is anything but normal.

I have been trying my damnedest to not complain. Mind you there has been a lot to complain about while I have instead fought to keep a positive outlook. When I go to sleep at night, I thank God for allowing me to get through my day. Even though I am usually mentally, emotionally, and sometimes spiritually drained.  When I awake, I thank God for a new day that gives me the chance to be better than my yesterday, and to have a spirit of gratitude that I am to help others.

But most days those hours between waking up and going to sleep be so chocked full of challenges and drama.  I think being in close quarters with a house full it is bound to happen. Especially when your world shrinks, and the magnifying glass expands and is hovering above your home. Ya know how the sun light shine through, and the glass intensifies that light so much that when it comes out the other side you can burn ants. Guess who is feeling like one of them ants.

I ain’t gonna lie, depression takes hold a lot of days. I keep fighting it though. I’m trying my hardest to help myself and be an example for my children. It is a battle, let me tell you! You know what it’s like? It’s like walking up a steep hill with cinder block boots on in a windstorm. Of course, the wind’s direction is not in support of your ascension. But I keep trying anyway to tip the scales back in favor of the ever-elusive thing they call “peace of mind”. (Yes, air quotes).

I dare not count my problems. So far, I have managed to survive them all. Even things that have caused me to entertain not waking when I lay me down to sleep. Yes, dear reader, I’ve endured some traumas that cut deep. With each successive painful event I wonder how much one person can take. At what point am I going to break? And what will that look like?

Some days I feel like the glue that’s holding me together is water based and the tears that I rarely let fall that are trapped inside have caused said glue to dilute and weaken.  Yet somehow, I survive and again I thank God for allowing me to navigate through my problems and for finding the strength to go on even amid turmoil while teetering close to the edge.