I Cut My Nana’s Toenails

I was outside working in the yard when I paused to go back inside and get my cell phone to see if I missed any calls or texts. My mom had text me to please come downstairs to her room. I will admit, I was irritated because I had just started working on clearing some more unsightly weeds from the sides of my driveway rockscape. Instead of immediately going to her, I called and asked what was up and let her know I was in the yard.

I could hear the grief in her voice and she was in tears crying that her mother was slipping away. I quickly made my way down the steps as she was trying to tell me what was going on through her tears and pain. You see, my grandmother has dementia and as her memory has faded, so has her control of her own body and the power she once displayed. At times, my grandmother has expressed great pain at the loss of self sufficiency during brief moments of clarity.

“I know she is going to go but I’m not ready!”

This day, Nana wasn’t responsive at all and had not moved any of her own limbs. Usually, she crosses her legs back and forth in her recliner and readjusts herself in her chair. Nor would she walk. She also had a haze over one eye. My aunt that called my mom felt that she was slipping away and it was time for my mom to come.
My mother, who is 70 years young but ailing herself thought she was going to do the 10 hour drive to get to her. My mother is as determined and headstrong as my Nana was. She is a handful. By no means was I going to allow my mommy to drive herself when lately she can barely drive herself to the grocery store due to back issues.

So, you know what you do when you honor your elders. After fighting back my own emotional reaction to seeing my mother and aunt both crying, thanks to video calls, I dropped everything to get my mom to her mother. We packed our bags and hit the road.

We arrived shortly after midnight and my aunt came out to greet us. I could see the relief wash over my aunt at having her big sister there. I felt very glad to have made it happen and I knew I did the right thing.
The following morning, seeing my grandmother in her diminished state was super hard. I mean, I had seen her change over the years when mom had video calls, but to see her in her frailty, in person…it hit really hard. Yet again, I pushed down my emotions because I needed to hold my mother and aunt up and be strong. After all, the fragile and waining woman before us is their mother and their grief will be the heaviest.

As the days went on, my grandmother’s vitals began to improve. She began walking again with assistance. She was feeding herself again. Let me pause right here. Seeing my Nana eat gave me such joy. You can tell that is the best part of her day. To me, it was like all the flavors in her mouth set off fireworks in her mind. I could see that she was thinking about every flavor and texture that made their way over her taste buds. I was even able to get her to smile a couple times.

On my last night with her, when she was dressed in her nightgown and sitting on the side of the bed after her shower, I went to the room to see if I could help get her laid down on her side of the bed. It was my aunt and cousin’s girflried, who is considered family that were already there with her. (She’s really great with my grandmother).

“I don’t know all these people in my house”

When we stood her up to help her walk to her side of the bed, she got a little upset and said that she didn’t know who all the people were that were in her house. I knew she was talking about me. I told her that I am her oldest granddaughter and that it was okay if she didn’t remember me because I hadn’t been there in a while. I told her that I was Linda’s daughter and that I had finally come to see her. And she looked right at me, into me, and for that moment she knew who I was. Nana recognized me and told me it was about time that I got there to see her. I told her that she had never lied. Nana agreed.

After Nana was positioned in bed to take her rest for the evening, my aunt reminded me that I said I would cut her toenails. I remember when I said it, but for some reason I avoided it. I wasn’t afraid because of issues with feet or anything like that. I actually like cutting toe nails. The longer the better. Ooh, and let there be toe jam! I am weird like that. Weird, but not perverted. There is a difference.

Never had a hair out of place

As I got down to business and began carefully handling her feet and gingerly cutting her toenails. I had to fight to keep the suppressed emotions from coming up as I thought about the magnitude of what was happening. I was cutting my Nana’s toenails. I never imagined I would ever be doing that. This woman was so powerful, independent, swift, intelligent, verbose and highly capable. Here she lay a prisoner of her own mind and unable to tend to her own hygiene as she always had. I tell you dear reader, she never had a hair out of place!

“I love you too”

Yet still, I was so humbled in this moment as I committed to taking part in doing something to care for my Nana. I cut and filed her toenails with pride and did so with the honor she earned. I let her know that I know she was tired. She worked hard all her life, and that she had earned her rest as I tended to her toenails. Afterwards, when I was done, I sang her a goodnight prayer that I have sung to my children and I told her I loved her. She returned an “I love you too” which meant the world to me.

I let my grandfather know that tonight she would not be cutting his legs. To which he laughed and said thank you. I then got ready for bed and took a shower. There I let my emotions release, where it was safe. I cried knowing this may be the last time I see my grandmother. That I will have to bear witness to my mother’s grief when she is gone and I will steady myself when that day comes. But for now, as I was overcome with gratitude at having the chance and the honor to serve when I cut my Nana’s toenails, I let the tears fall.