“I talk to myself because there is no one to talk to. People ask me why I do what do.”
–Christopher William’s, Talk to Myself
Yes, I talk to myself and I’m not ashamed to admit. I talk to myself because there’s no safe place to lay my burdens down. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty in my circle who would be there to hear me out, but that often comes with conditions. Like, them taking over the conversation and making my issue about them. Then I have to hear stories of that time when the issue I need to unload was their experience. I mean I get it; it’s not done to be selfish but it comes from a place of them trying to let me know they can relate and have been there. But, that’s the key word, they have BEEN there and when I’m fresh in my hurt …
Or, being offended at what I say as if it has to do with them. Or, using what I say against me at a later date. Or, holding a grudge against the person who has offended my sensibilities long after I’ve gotten over it
I talk to myself because I know me best. I am honest with myself, flaws and all. I don’t sugarcoat my shit, and at the same time my empathy game is so strong that I can see yours. Judgment of my thoughts and actions doesn’t result in an immediate conviction and sentence. I don’t lock myself up and throw away the key. I talk to myself about the good, bad, and ugly
To help set me free
When I talk to myself, I determine the next course of action. Sometimes it’s to be quiet, wait, and sit still. Sometimes it’s, “Aw hell no girl, flee! Exercise that free will.”
Sometimes, I talk to myself not to protect me but you
Knowing you can’t handle my truth
I talk to myself because on a deeper level I do understand that trouble doesn’t last always, and I don’t want to get caught up in having to apologize for anything I said, or you doing the same, after the issue has worked itself out. Once I get done having lengthy convos with myself, and they’re not always out loud (with your judgmental ass), I usually come to an understanding. This understanding often sounds like, “fuck it” in my head. Meaning, the shit happened and I’m going to move forward leaving the situation behind me. I find power in that process. I find healing in that determination.
After all, let go and let God.
So, if you catch me talking to myself out loud, do not interrupt my process, it’s my way of breaking through a dark cloud
(Originally posted 9/9/2020)