*Deep Inhale*
*Slow Exhale*
Let me see if I can get my thoughts out in some semblance of order. Please do bear with me as I attempt to convey all the things I have been thinking and feeling. I apologize in advance if I begin to ramble and likely struggle to conclude my thoughts.
Anger
I am so tired of being pissed off every day. I don’t even need to mention what is going on. I can’t bring myself to write the words. You, dear reader, are very much aware. What is it going to take in order to receive the same level of civility that others receive when they commit far worse crimes than we do for calls of reported: POSSIBLE check fraud, bird watching, tail lights out, failure to use a blinker, toy guns with orange tips, mental disorders, drug addiction, barbequing, waiting in a coffee shop, being in your own home playing video games with your son, fuck … breathing! I just can’t with this shit!
Hopeless
I even snapped at my mom today. (I apologize mommy). She was only trying to console me, “just have hope and pray.” No! I do not want to hear that. What is the point of having hope when NOTHING has changed? It has been the same way since before my mother was born. Pray? That has changed nothing as well.
Helpless
If I sign one more damn petition I am going to snap! I keep filling them out anyway, even though I have no faith that something substantial will come of it. Damn! Can we live? As a collective, we are very justified in how we react to these tragedies and it doesn’t matter our response. We have tried marches, peaceful protests, taking knees, and even the ultimate expression of rage – rioting. No matter how we choose to express our outrage it only has an impact during the moment of disruption. Change has not been long lasting. Unfortunately, we are just a reality show and we follow the same script. Get pissed off, organize to show some form of protest, be told whatever way we choose to protest is un-American, the hot topic dies down and we wait for justice that we know we will not get, justice is denied, be told WE need to forgive, and then we eventually quiet down. We return to whatever sense of normalcy we can muster (like my attempt at making breakfast for my family where I soon broke and snapped at my mom.”
Grief
Then there is this period of mourning. I mean I am grief stricken over my only son, and he’s alive! With each of these unnecessary murders of our children, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers it hits home deeply. People out there often talk about the lack of unity amongst our diaspora but in this I know we are unified at each loss.
Trauma
Please do not talk to me about black on black crime. Crime is often based on proximity. No one brings up white on white crime when the meth head commits a crime; when the white woman kills her children; when the white man abducts, rapes, and kills. (Do your homework and research white on white crime stats). Do not talk to about gun violence in major cities unless you want to talk about who planted those illegal guns, the organizations that are working hard to engage the youth and create prevention programs, the adults that come together to escort children safely to and from school, the gangs who have brokered truces as they realize who and what are the real enemies, and the social/structural/resource inequalities that people are dealing with.
Don’t talk to me if you can’t or won’t acknowledge the daily barrage of negative press our people receive. Why are we displayed across major outlets as aggressive, ignorant, sex starved, less than beings if we are the so-called minority? I mean as a “minority” why do we take up a majority of the negative news?
I am just damn traumatized. The mental and emotional toll this information overload has taken is making me physically ill. I have to stay off of social media. I cannot see another post with a damn video of on of us being murdered indiscriminately while we plead for our life as someone records and no one intervenes, and have the assassin get away with it. I cannot see another news article show up in my feed of how a woman half a man’s size was such a threat that deadly force was necessary when a taser could have been used to subdue her … only to find out that sister was pregnant as well. I just fucking can’t! I couldn’t even focus on work today. It just doesn’t seem important at all and I can tell that my issues do not matter. How many of your organizations even acknowledge your black experience? I will wait. Business as usual. But I’m supposed to care about their mission.
Each breath I take is heavy. These tears won’t stop welling up in my eyes and I refuse to let them fall. This is one time that I trust and believe my father when he used to say, “What are you crying for? Crying isn’t going to do anything!”
(Originally posted May 28, 2020)